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November 24, 2012
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    Warning: Mentions of self harm. May be triggering. Read with caution.

------

The music flowed evenly. The way that each instrument fit together seemed to work the best out of all the different methods they tried and the sound seemed beautiful -- until Aleks abruptly stopped. Everyone cut their attention on the instruments and turned to look at Aleks. Eddie stood up. He was examining his fingers, bass swaying slightly as he moved. "Are you okay?" Eddie asked. Aleks nodded, but said nothing. He unhooked his bass and set it down carefully on the rolling foot rest that went to the couch. CJ raised an eyebrow at Eddie who shrugged.

    "You should go see what's wrong." They encouraged, practically throwing Eddie out of the room to go find Aleks. Frowning for a minute Eddie gathered himself and went in search for the shorter boy. He looked in the bathroom first, being lucky and finding him sitting on the toilet seat pressing a paper towel to his finger. It had small red blots on it. Eddie noticed something different about it. Something in his eyes when he looked at the blood on the towel, but he couldnt pin point it.
   
     "You okay?" Eddie asked, tapping lightly at the door frame. Aleks jumped a little and the look Eddie saw in his eyes immediately flashed then was gone. It was odd. Something about the look in his eyes... it scared him a bit. Aleks balled up the paper towel then threw it into the small trashcan tucked underneath the sink.
   
     He wiped his hands against his pants. "I'm fine, why?" He asked, genuinely confused. Eddie rose an eyebrow.

    "Well, because you are bleeding for one." He took Aleks' fingers in his palm and looked at them. There was a vertical cut across both his middle and index fingertips. A small line of red. Aleks quickly jerked his hand from Eddie's grasp, surprising him. "Are you sure you're okay? You seem a little off today." Aleks turned away from Eddie pulling down his hoodie sleeves.

    "I told you I'm fine. Drop it, okay?" He hissed before shoving past the Latino. Eddie watched Aleks walk away, noticing a shift in his walking too. He seemed almost... in pain? He wanted to ask about it, but he wasn't going to push Aleks into answering his questions. He decided to just give him some time. Eddie flicked off the bathroom light quickly and began to head back to the group.

_____


    After the recording was done for the day, everyone dispersed. CJ, Devin and John decided to go out to do something fun, but Aleks and Eddie were in favour of staying home. Aleks curled up in the corner of the couch, watching the TV. He decided he didn't want to record at the moment because he just wasn't feeling up to it and he had made sure that the Nobs understood and we're okay with it through twitter.
   
    Eddie had just gotten out of the shower and walked into the living room, pressing a towel against his head in attempt to dry his hair off. "Whatcha watching?" He asked. Aleks shrugged and Eddie pouted at his lack of response. Walking over to the couch, his feet tapping against the wooden floors, he stood in front of Aleks and hovered above him.

    "I'm getting really antsy. You haven't said or done anything at all the time you've been here and I'm getting a little worried you don't love me anymore." Aleks' eyes widened at Eddie's statement.

    "Don't love you anymore -- what!? Why would I stop loving you, Eddie?"

    "Because we never do anything together anymore! You never talk to me, you never sleep with me, you never go out with me. Christ, Aleks, you shy away every time I try to touch you!" Aleks saw the glimmer of a tear in the corner of Eddie's eye. "I just want you to touch me again... like you mean it. Like you want to be here with me. Not like I'm going to hit you or yell at you or abuse you. I can't even be my loud, hyperactive self around you anymore because every time I raise my voice you flinch away like a beaten puppy. Whenever I grab your wrist, you get all angry and hide yourself. I just want you to trust me. Trust me Aleks. Please." Eddie pleaded.

    Aleks bit at his bottom lip. He hated making Eddie feel this way. They'd been together almost two years and it hurt to have to hide himself from the one he loved all the time. It hurt having to see him cry like that. To hear him plead. He hated himself for it. "Go get dressed..." He muttered. Eddie looked confused for a minute. "I have something I want to show you, but I need you to go get dressed. I really just cannot take you seriously like... that." Eddie looked down at his attire of a single towel around his waist.

    Sitting back up, he hesitantly walked down the hallway, looking back a few times at Aleks. When he was sure that Eddie was in his room, getting dressed, Aleks unzipped his hoodie, throwing it onto the coffee table, tied up is tee-shirt to show his midsection and grabbed a pair of shorts from his suitcase, throwing those on as well. When he was finished, he wrapped a blanket around himself then awaited Eddie to return. When the Latino walked into the living room, fully dressed and suitable not funny looking, Aleks ordered him to sit down on the couch.

    "This.... I've been thinking of showing this... a few times now. I'm really, really, extremely nervous right now. I've never shown anyone and I'm honestly afraid, but I don't want you to think that I hate you because I'm hiding myself... I trust you a lot." Aleks mumbled. Eddie twiddled his fingers impatiently. Aleks gripped at the blanket, dropping it a bit but stopping to catch his breath before letting the fabric fall to the floor. His hips, thighs, legs, and arms were riddled with cuts. His skin was a bright red around each and there were hurtful words carved into his skin. Eddie found his eyes roaming over every inch, reading every word and phrase that was visible.

    "Aleks, what--" Eddie began. Aleks was pressing his eyes shut, bracing for the worst. "Jesus Aleks, why didn't you tell me?" He ran a hand through his hair. He had such hurtful stuff cut on himself. 'Worthless, Ugly, Fat, Useless, Lazy, No Good, Stupid, Shameful, Monster, Disgusting' but those were the only few that Eddie could see. He was sure there was more around the sides of Aleks. The cuts were overlapping even. The most being found on his wrists. They were shredded. He felt his heart break a little when he heard Aleks break a small sob.

    "I-- I'm sorry-- I didn't want to hurt you and--" He couldn't find the words to say anymore. Eddie had a hand clasped over his mouth, breathing a bit hard. He looked like he was about to break. "I'm sorry. I'm so, so sorry Eddie. I didn't mean to make you cry. I really can't do anything right..." Aleks shied away again, untying his shirt to hide his midsection and picking the blanket up again to hide his entire body.

    "Dont." Eddie boomed. Aleks jumped a bit then halted himself. "Put the blanket down. Right now." He could hear the seriousness in Eddie's voice, so he slowly placed the blanket back down on the ground. "Come here." He grabbed Aleks' hand and pulled him towards him, tugging him all the way onto his lap so that Aleks straddled him. Eddie pulled his cut up arm to his face and kissed it. The entire arm full of self abuse. Aleks felt tears sting his eyes. "Don't you dare ever say that about yourself again. Don't think you're worthless, or ugly, or stupid or any of those horrible things because you're not Aleks. You're beautiful and strong and amazing and funny and adorable and I love you so much." He placed his hands on Aleks' head, fingers dipping into his dark hair and pulled his face down into a kiss. It wasn't needy or frantic, but slow and loving.

    "Don't ever forget how much I love you Aleks. I really, really do. Please don't hurt yourself anymore. I'll be here to help you through it all. If you ever feel like you want to self harm again, please come to me. Please. I don't want this to all lead into me losing you. I wouldn't be able to function if I did." Eddie whispered into Aleks' hair. He pressed a couple kisses to the Russian's forehead.

    "I love you Eddie..."

    "I love you too, Aleks."

_____
3 years after the incident

    Eddie unlocked the door, stepping inside and then threw his bag down on the couch. "Aleks, I'm back." He called. He waited for a response that never came. "Aleks?" Eddie leaned over, peering into the hallway. Dark and empty. Aleks would have told him if he was going out.... Eddie cautiously walked down the hall, listening in on every room. What he noticed, was that the bathroom door in the guest room was opened and the light was still on. It sounded like the shower was on as well. "Aleks, are you in there?" Eddie walked over, pressing his fingers against the door to push it open. The floor was soaked in water. "What the hell?"

    Eddie walked inside, careful not to slip on the water and stared at the shower curtain. "Aleks?"

    No response. He pushed the curtain open.

    "Aleks!? ALEKS!"







    "... E-Eddie..."
I'm sorry for doing this. I really am. But I couldn't think of anything else to write and I wanted to express myself a bit.

It took quite a bit of debating, but after three whole weeks I decided that I would take my one fiction limit to sort of merge myself into the fanfiction. While I'm not in it myself, I used Aleks as a medium.

This fanfiction is basically how I wish someone would treat me, but with a sort of depressing little ending.

OH YEAH. SORRY ABOUT THE ENDING GUYS. IT'S REALLY FUCKIN' SAD BECAUSE I WAS SAD WHEN I WROTE THIS. IF IT KILLED YOU OF FEELS, I REALLY TRULY AM SORRY BUT ALEKS DID LIVE AFTER ALL. AT LEAST THERE'S THAT.

:iconcraiplz:
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:iconjennyorlean:
jennyorlean Mar 7, 2014  Hobbyist Digital Artist
Fuckin hell man?!? I cut myself daily and I read these stories to see what love really is and now I'm crying! Thanks! Srry I really like your stories :,(
Reply
:iconmuffinmaker1:
I know how it feels :'( Damn, i'm gonna cry...
Reply
:iconkattisdere:
I need a moment.....
Now maybe a month.....
Reply
:icondemonminer:
DemonMiner Oct 27, 2013  Student Artist
DA FEELS NOT DA FEELS!
Reply
:iconthe-bloody-alexis:
The-bloody-alexis Sep 25, 2013  Student General Artist
i no how this feels
Reply
:iconmychemicalminecraft:
MyChemicalMinecraft Sep 14, 2013
I know what Aleks did, he did the same thing I did, cut myself. I tried to kill myself today, and then my gay little 15 year old brother got.... ugh! I can't even fucking say it
Reply
:iconthe-bloody-alexis:
The-bloody-alexis Aug 30, 2013  Student General Artist
aleks aleks is he ok i want to no 
Reply
:iconibxgarry:
ibxgarry Aug 15, 2013  Student Digital Artist

Oh dear, 3...2...1

 

OH GOD, THE FEELS! D: :iconcryingplz:

Reply
:iconthunderstripe:
Ggggggggggggggg i died
Reply
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